Last night on The Daily Show, I learned about the new television programs "The Chair" (ABC) and "The Chamber" (FOX) from cantankerous commentator Lewis Black. The two shows subject contestants to stressful events and surprises, such as fire and sedated alligators, while monitoring their bodily functions to assess how they respond to the "trauma." Apparently, the shows are very similar, and ABC and FOX are suing each other over blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH. Who cares?

So far, the only bodily functions both shows seem interested in monitoring are heart rate and something like "stress level." I’m sure they’ll start to monitor other things after a while. Why don’t the contestants just take a piss on stage, and whoever makes the biggest puddle wins the cash? Now that’s the future of American television.